Today, I just don't want to.

Ever had those days or weeks where things are just fuzzy, flat out pea soup fog?  One thing runs into another and your not sure how you even peeled open your eyelids this morning, which feel like 9 days ago?  Things are so off today I even took a pregnancy test, yes, even though I'm pretty sure that's impossible, but having ruled everything else out, it's the last standing explanation I could drum up to explain my odd sense of well of I don't know what.  And no, that's not the reason.  At least there's one thing I can be sure about.

I don't want to work. I don't want to parent. I don't want to cook. I don't want to budget. I don't want to pretend like I have a grip on things. I don't want to even really write this blog.  I just don't want to.

So what is it?  Really, I'm asking you.  This isn't rhetorical.

I've prayed. I've prayed a lot.

And then I read other blogs about horrible things that have happened to people and I think, "get over it, get over yourself."  But then I get mad.  Just because I haven't had life changing events take place doesn't mean I can't feel jumbled up. Bumbled up.  Whatever.

I resort to my inspirational pod-casts and read things that make me laugh.  I open my Bible (which I'm on a read the bible chronologically in a year plan) and of course today's reading happens to be in Exodus on laws about slaves and oxen and restitution.  While I know all of God's word is important, that didn't clear the haze, not one bit.

You know what, and I'm thinking out loud here, it's okay I feel like this.  God's grace is sufficient.  And I can feel "off" for a bit if I need to.  He understands. Today I just don't want to, tomorrow maybe I will.

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To preschool or not to preschool

Breakfast time, toddling A happily sitting in her high chair eating her yogurt, mom has to use the bathroom, mom walks into the bathroom (15 ft away) shuts the door.  Toddling A goes from happy to hysterical in less time than it takes for mom to unbutton her pants.  MOMMY!!!  MOMMY!!!  MOMMY!!!!  Alligator tears.

If you have or have ever had a child who suffers from separation anxiety (my self diagnosis), you've experienced that scene and others like it, many many times.

Where have I gone wrong?  Why is my child like this?  What am I supposed to do to make it better?

I've asked myself these questions over and over, and sought advice and expertise from mother after mother.

The one reoccurring proposed solution that keeps popping up, even from dear dad, is "put her in preschool, give yourself and her some time apart, she'll learn not to be so attached."

Sounds simple enough, right?

Wrong.  Not simple. Because then I start asking myself,

What if preschool makes it worse?  What if she learns bad behaviors from other children?  What's the point of me being a "stay at home mom" if my daughter is in preschool?

To preschool or not to preschool, that is my question.

And for now, I've found my answer.  Now let me tell you, I have nothing against preschool and nothing against mother's who put their children in preschool.  Each family and child are different and different things work for different people.  You do what is best for you.  I'll do what is best for me.  Like a strong woman of faith told me last night "Everyone else thinks they are the expert on your child."

So, I've decided, after much consideration, prayer and consulting women I trust,

Not to preschool (GASP)

And this is why:

1. Toddling A is not even 2, is it really a bad thing if she wants to be with mom all the time?
2. I can teach toddling A way more than any preschool teacher, honest I can. Just a few days ago we played outside in the rain and splashed in muddles and learned about rivers and where the water goes and who made the rain. 
3. She's going to spend 13+ years in a school setting, do I really need to add more, I mean that's such a long time.
4. Putting her in preschool just to "fix" her separation anxiety is not enough of a reason for me.

And here's the kicker, something I heard quoted by my pastor's wife last night, that she heard from Craig Groeschel (another pastor), and I'm paraphrasing.

"The world (culture/society) defines a successful adult as happy, well rounded and well educated.  But we (as christians) are called to unleash single minded, Christ centered, biblically anchored world changers."

Show me a preschool that can unleash that kind of adult in toddling A and we'll be enrolled tomorrow.

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Money, money money

Money. It's such a powerful thing. Money makes us happy.  Money makes us mad.  Money makes life easier.  Money makes life harder. Money secures us. Money scares us.

As a nanny, I'm often given money to do activities with the kids.  I would never pocket that money or use it towards my own personal gain.  No, it's not my money, I've been instructed to use it in a certain way. 

In the same way, the money in your bank account right now, it's not yours.  The money you have invested, it's not yours either.  The twenty dollar bill I have in my wallet, not mine.


It all belongs to God.

We are just stewards, of HIS money.

As children of God, we're given money and instructed to use it in a certain way.  And when we use it in the way God asks, it comes back to us, really. 

So what if there was something you could do to stop focusing on or worrying about money?  Would you do it?

Proverbs 3:9 Honor God with everything you own; give him the first and the best.

Luke 6:38  Give, and it will be given to you. A good amount will be poured into your lap. It will be pressed down, shaken together, and running over. The same amount you give will be measured out to you."

2 Corinthians 9:7 You should each give what you have decided in your heart to give. You shouldn't give if you don't want to. You shouldn't give because you are forced to. God loves a cheerful giver.


The answer?

GIVE and GIVE cheerfully.

Everyone will have different ways of giving, and different amount of giving.  I can't tell you how to give or tell you where to give.  That's between you and God.  But I can tell you about my experiences.

In 2008, our family decided to start giving and following God's principles in that way. We give 10% of all our income to our church.  We trust our church to use the money we give to glorify God. We believe in the work they are doing. So we give. And we like it.

But you want to know what's cool.

As much as we give, we can't out give God.

He ALWAYS gives it back to us, and more.

I have so many cool personal stories about how I didn't know where the next dollar for groceries was going to come from, or how that bill was going to get paid, or how I was going to put gas in my car and yet I've never ever gone without. I've never had a late bill, I've never gone hungry, I've never been stranded on the side of the road without gas. Literally I've had checks unexpectedly show up in the mail.  Just this week I got a dollar an hour raise and I've only been working here 1 month.

God always provides.  And I'm confident it's because we give back to him what's already his anyways.

God even tells us it's okay to test him with this, to see if its true.

Micah 3:10 says "Test me in this,” says the Lord Almighty, “and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it."

So you want to stop worrying about money?

Give. Even if you think you can't.  Give God back his money. 

And watch what he does.

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I'm running to your arms

photo courtesy of amazon.com

The author of this book (Sandra Boynton) may not be sure what it is, but I know what it is.

It's me.

Today.

After a week with Rob out of town and a poop ton of volunteering and a 30 hr child filled work week (yes, that's a lot for a supposed stay at home mom)

Frazzled.

Then, unexpectedly, without notice, I de-frazzled.

Phillipians 4:7 says "Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down."  (The Message)

So after work and an hours worth of grocery shopping, toddling A and I went to dinner with Dad..  We had to drive separate cars and meet at the restaurant though because...well because, that's our life.  But when dinner was finished and we were leaving, I asked my oh so loving husband if he would drive Avery home and let me take his car.  He obliged, because he loves me that much.

And that's when it happened.



The windows down, the radio on, traffic cruising at just the right speed, and a sense of God's wholeness blowing through the car, my entire body, coming to settle me down. Out of just a 30 min drive home. I didn't want it to end.

Read this, or you can listen to it here if you want:

"You are more
Than my words will ever say
You are Lord
All creation will proclaim
You are here
In Your presence I'm made whole
You are God
Of all else I'm letting go"

In your presence I'm made whole.  Really.  WHOLE.  Not,  a piece of me is mom, a piece of me is wife, a piece of me is nanny, a piece of me is trying to plan a yard sale, a piece of me is volunteer, a piece of me is captain of my softball team. 

In your presence I'm WHOLE. 

Not pieces.

I don't know about you, but I need to be made whole. And all we have to do is let God know.  Tell him our concerns.  Ask him to forgive us, admit we're reckless and burnt out.

And know that He is God.

And then let go.

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Practice what He preaches

"Share your toys, we keep our hands to ourselves, we do not stick things in our diaper, we love our friends, do that one more time and you'll be sorry."

This is my daily mantra.  Really, I'm like a recorder on repeat.  Well, maybe not the sticking things in your diaper comment, that, thankfully only happens every now and again.   Those words though, come with the territory of being a mother and a nanny.  Or even just a parent for that matter.  We tell our kids to share, we tell them to be nice to their friends, we tell them to forgive, we teach them that if  they hurt someone to say sorry, and if someone hurts them, to show grace.

After spending a week with my niece (7) and nephew (4), I realized just how much we drill these things into our children.  But at some point in our growing up, it suddenly becomes okay to only share in certain circumstances, to only say sorry if it makes you feel better, to only forgive when the offense is small.  When in our upbringing does the old "Do unto others" saying (aka Matthew 7:12)stop ringing true?  The Message translates it best, ""Here is a simple, rule-of-thumb guide for behavior: Ask yourself what you want people to do for you, then grab the initiative and do it for them..."

A simple rule. A guide for behavior.

Last time that neighbor came over to borrow your best tools, did you share, or just give them the old crusty ones you have lying around?  When your friend showed up late or cancelled your last date, were you nice about it?   When that old man cut you off in traffic just to drive 5 mph below the speed limit, did you show him grace?  What about that family member who so deeply offended and hurt you, did you forgive and turn the other cheek?

When's the last time you said you were sorry?

Toddling A told me she was sorry this afternoon.  I can't remember the last time I said it, except for maybe that "casual I don't really know or mean what I'm saying sorry" when you bump someone in the grocery store with your cart.  Yeah, not what I'm referring to.

Toddling A, without a second thought, forgave me today after I yelled at her out of frustration.  And I struggle to forgive when someone I don't even know is rude to me. 


Forgiveness isn't about admitting that what the other person did was right, forgiveness sets YOU free.

Forgiveness lets you get on with your day, on with your life.

Whether you believe in God or not, we can't deny that all these are behaviors and actions we want our children to model. Nobody says to their child, "hey be mean to that kid and don't share anything with him."  No, we want our children to be upstanding, well accepted children.

But the truth is, sharing and being nice and showing grace and extending unconditional forgiveness, those are all characteristics of Jesus.

Yep, that guy, the one who made us in his image.  The one who commands us to follow in his footsteps.

So my question is, how can we ask and expect such things of our children if we can't, ourselves, do the things Jesus expects and asks of us?

Let's start living up to His expectations and just maybe our children will follow.

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50,000 Feet

I run but I've never considered myself a runner, until two weekends ago, and even then, not the kind of runner you would think.

Every organized race I've run tells you not to run with your ipod, they say for safety reasons.  Especially in a race as big as the Cooper River Bridge run, with thousands of people pushing around, over and through you as they run.   But alas, all but those who actually win (ahem, the kenyans, ahem) run with music blasting through their skulls.  Let's face it, running is mental and if you can force every thought of pain, thirst and hunger out, and replace it with "R-E-S-P-E-C-T find out what it means to me!" you might just stand a chance at crossing the finish line, in one piece mind you. Really, there have been some days I decide not to run because my ipod is dead. No judging allowed.

But as I was running the lovely 4% incline for 1.5 mile trek up and over the bridge, I decided to take my headphones out. And when I expected to hear silence, or at least my own huffing and puff puff puffing, what I heard was DEAFENING.  Close to 50,000 feet, or pairs of feet, hitting concrete.  I've never heard anything like it.  You can't hear anything else, period. Just pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat...forever.

And then I got this thought. Like a charlie horse to the brain.


I trained for months to run this race. I spent over $300 to make the weekend possible. I woke up at 4:45AM to make sure we arrived to the starting line on time.  I stretched, I prepared, I studied, I made it a priority.  All for a race that took me

just ONE hour

to complete.

50,000 other people did the same.

Think about that. 50,000 people doing the exact same thing, at the exact same time.  For what?  Personal accomplishment, health and fitness, to prove to their friends they could???

Then I heard the feet again.

Will it sound like this when Jesus returns?  

What if this many people put forth the same amount of passion and energy into seeking Jesus as they did into this race?  What if 50,000 people made HIM a priority?  What if they were all wanting to persevere to the only finish line that matters?

I know the Bible lays out a very graphic picture of what the end times will be like, what we will hear and what we will see, and no the sound of running feet isn't one of them, but at that moment, as I listened to thousands upon thousands of people run, I couldn't help but think, or HOPE that running feet is what we'll hear.

I got a glimpse of that on Easter Sunday.  And while we may not have had 50k people attend, there were definitely thousands that showed up to hear the truth about Jesus' resurrection.  I'd say that's a start, leading to a promising finish.

I consider myself a runner, do you?

Look past our family photo, at all the people, and this was an hour before the service began!

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