36 weeks and Hangry

This could also translate into...pregnant: feed me or I'll Cut You!

Seriously people...I could eat all day long, whatever I wanted and still be hungry.  It's like there's a tiny human inside of me consuming all of my food.  Oh..wait.

And now is not the time to be conscious of how much I'm eating.  Or is it?

Did you know that a pregnant woman only needs to consume an extra 300 calories a day?  That's like one snack.

So where do we get this "you're eating for two"?

Because it actually feels like I could eat my dinner, my husband's and probably even the kid's.   I'm blaming the hormones.

It really all comes down to making the right choices. And that's true no matter who you are, pregnant or not. Quality of food is way more important than quantity.

Bad choice...eating pizza for lunch and dinner because you ordered more food than you and your 5 year old could eat at one sitting.  Hey, she looked really hungry.  I may or may not have also had ice cream for dessert.  And...confession....I had a diet pepsi, ack!!!  I haven't had a soda in 2 years.  It's the hormones, it HAS to be the hormones. Sorry baby #2, (could we come up with a name already).  Your sister didn't get even a quarter of the nutrition you're getting and she seems to be okay...verdict is still out.

But I'm paying for it today, I'm tired, unmotivated and just want to eat more junk.  Now is a more important time than any for me to stay healthy.  I am actually eating for two.  Not calories.  But nutritionally.  

Processed, standard American diet on the left in 2010 and unprocessed, whole foods, nutritional program on the right, taken today.

Do I still feel as large as a house, absolutely!    Looking at these pictures can I tell a difference, totally.

Pregnancy is not the time to cut back on calories or try to lose weight but it's also not the time to eat whatever I want.  Just don't tell that to my hangry side...you might lose an eye.

Read More

How You Do One Thing

We all go through seasons.  I want to tell you about my seasons.  There's the season of giving up coffee, then drinking it again and making up for every cup I gave up.   There's this lovely season I'm in now of raising an almost 5 year old while growing another human.  Exhausting and exhilarating all at once.  And that season will change again once baby girl is born.  Then I'm in the season of being mama to TWO kids.  Mother's of more than one, you are saints.  There's also the season of keeping the house clean and staying ahead of the laundry and...wait, that's never a season. 

But then there is the season of writing.  Do you know that last year I wrote to you lovely people every month for a year?   And then, the wind blew, Husband R sneezed in my direction and this mama became pregnant with daughter numero dos.  And writing...it got buried in all the sickness and exhaustion and trying to stay afloat just enough to enjoy the holidays.  But I'm back.  Really.  And when the baby is born and I stop writing..call me out on it, for real.

All that, it's natural, things we go in and out of as life changes.  But there's one thing, just one, that's not okay to start, then stop, then start again.  And I'm ever so guilty of it.  It's my quiet time and prayer time.   Life gets busy and just like my writing, I lose my motivation and forget it's importance.

So lately, I'm not willing to do much of anything. And I have lots to do.  The nursery isn't finished, not by far.  I am working part time at church while simultaneously building my own business.  I have a rising kindergartner...sniff...and husband to care for.  I'm focusing on being as healthy as I can through this pregnancy and practicing the wonder of natural childbirth.  Yes, you can practice, don't ask.  And it's easy for me to say "oh, I'm just hormonal." Or, "I deserve to lay in bed all day, I'm pregnant!"  While those statements may carry some weight, they aren't the whole truth.  The further away I get from dedicated, intentional time spent with God, the less effective every other area of my life becomes.  I've been hearing this quote a lot lately

"How you do one thing is how you do everything."

And it seems so simple because it is.  That one thing, studying his word, spending time in conversation with him, putting him first, how I do that translates to how I do everything else.

 Let that sink in. If something seems off, take a step back.  How are you doing with that one thing?  It could be the reason everything else seems off too.

This silly notion of time spent with God being a season, I'm trashing it.  It's not one of my seasons anymore. I'm committing the first thing I do in the morning to him.  Whether that's walking or sitting with my cup of coffee or putting in my headphones and tuning out the noise.

And writing, well I'm back at that too.  And I've got so much to share with you, knowledge to drop, but you'll have to stay tuned for another post.  That I promise I'll write...I think.

Read More

Moving forward when it all feels backwards

I love fall.  I love pumpkins and pumpkin spice and cooler weather and football and all my tv shows starting back up and apple picking and Halloween and preschooling A actually going to preschool and...all the important things in life happen in fall.

But this time last year…gah…last year.  I’ve been avoiding writing this post, one because of what was going on this time last year and do I really want to dredge all that up and two because how has it already been a year and three I haven’t really completely done what I set out to do.  And in a blink, three hundred and sixty five, no make that seventy two, three hundred and seventy two days have gone by.

Since I was told I had melanoma.

And I’ve been doing too good of a job loving all the wonderful things of this coming season and ignoring all the difficult things that the past season taught me.  

Husband R and I have been saving to buy a new couch, to replace our seven year old crusty ones with a nice shiny new leather sectional.  And Thursday of last week, we finally had enough. Cash dollars.  I proudly marched into the store ready to shove the do you need financing back into the face of the unsuspecting sales person and whip out my dolla’ bills y’all…except it was really a plastic debit card, whatever, same thing.  Preschooling A was tagging along…more like jumping on every couch, chair, and loveseat she could.  At one point I found her under the sheets, under the sheets people, of the store model bed.  I liken furniture shopping with preschooling A to chugging tobasco sauce while an angry gorilla chases you.  It’s terrifying.  

Having survived preschooling A losing her gum on the furniture store floor and shaking off all the jeering eyes watching me as I crawled around looking for it, I went home to tell husband R of my fantastic negotiating skills and the gloriousness our new couch would bring.

And Husband R greeted me with “Why the heck has our mortgage gone up $475 a month?!?”  

Come again?  Mistake.  It has to be a mistake.

And after two hours on the phone with some lovely lady who got her degree at I don’t care about you or your shiny new couch university we figured out it was a mistake.  Made by the mortgage company last September, and one which we unfortunately now have to pay for.  The details are more than confusing and don’t matter much at this point.  

What matters is me having to send my poor husband to cancel our order and return our couch. Two hours after buying it.  Because those lovely pennies we worked so hard to save, now have to go to keeping a roof over our heads.

And it's gut wrenching. 

But here’s the irony.  If the mistake had been caught last year, in September, when I had just had surgery and the hospital bills were piling up and I had just been diagnosed with stage 3 cancer, if the mortgage company would have told us then about their mistake and about how much money we owed them…we may not have survived.  Emotionally. Probably not financially. 

So one year later, almost to the date, we’re hit with this financial hardship.  And it’s enough to turn my love of fall into severe dislike. But, we have the money saved to get us out of this. Okay, so yes, we really would rather have a new couch.

What we would rather have is not always what God intends.

And remember when I prayed for God to show me my tomatoes?  I asked him to reveal the things he has for me that are outside of my box, the things that I’m missing…well, I’m pretty sure he wants me to learn how to move forward with less.   

Last year I grappled with facing less time, learning how to move forward with death being real.

This year I have less money.  And I’ll learn how to move forward with that too. 

And here’s the humor.  God does have a sense of humor.  We tend to pay attention more when things are that way.

God faithfully provided health care and food and people to get us through my sickness and surgery. And then He miraculously made it clear I never had cancer.  And as time went on and we celebrated the good times and enjoyed our summer and when we started to forget. Forget what it feels like to desperately depend on him for our very next minutes.  When that happened... 

He reminded us.

And it’s funny because it shouldn’t take a $475/mo hit to my checking account for me to remember He’ll provide.  It shouldn’t take me feeling helpless for me to remember He’s my only hope.  

And it shouldn’t take my security being threatened for me to remember He’s my Savior. 

So I’m making a list. A literal, ink on paper list.  Of all the things, I can remember Him ever doing for me, saving me from, providing me with.  I don’t want to forget anymore.

And I really want to get back to enjoying the fall, the way He intends for me to, with just a little less stuff and a lot more of Him.

Will you make a list with me?  Something you can look at and remind yourself of when things get off track?  I’d love to hear some them!  Please comment below, it really does make me smile!

Read More

Rogue Tomatoes

We have this garden.  We planted it last year.  When I was sick.  The idea was for it to grow organic produce, allowing us to eat healthy without breaking the bank.  And it's sort of doing that.  But not really.  We get some cucumbers and squash here and there.  But the bugs and the heat, they get most of it.  Its okay, really, we're learning.  Next year will be better.

We also have this tomato plant. I don't know where it came from.  This plant, its not within the walls of the garden.  It's rogue.  A rogue tomato plant.  And it's making a TON of tomatoes.  When Husband R found it, it was on the ground it was so heavy with tomatoes.  He since has helped it stand and we keep getting more tomatoes.

I was in the kitchen today, chopping one up, thinking, what in the world am I going to do with all of these?  And also, how ironic.  Our garden, that we purposefully planted, isn't producing. And this thing that we didn't plant...here I am, up to my eyeballs in tomatoes.

And...

Isn't that just like God?

We work and toil and sweat in our own little boxes.  Trying to produce something, anything.  We dig and plant and wait.  We get frustrated and angry and bothered by the inconveniences that get in our way. The bugs, the heat.  The setbacks, the obstacles.  There's always something keeping us from getting where we want to go.

And there's God.  Saying, "Look, pick up your head, turn towards Me. I AM here."

Maybe it's your marriage or your career.  Your finances or the relationships you have with your kids.  You're working hard at them, putting in the effort, watering them daily.  But things just won't change, nothing is growing.  So we keep doing the same things and keep getting the same dead plants.

It's time we look up.  Look around.

Look for God.

What if...just what if...

He's got something rogue.

Waiting for you.

An opportunity, lying on the ground, wanting to be picked.  Something that will produce more than you will know what to do with.  And you're missing it because you're too busy planting your own agenda and getting upset that it's not growing.

I stood in front of my sink, staring out the window at this plant, and I asked God to show me my tomatoes.

Reveal to me what I missing, where I'm blinded by my own ambitions.

I don't know what that means for you.  But for me...remember the wars within? I've been spending a lot of time missing what's outside the box.  I'm not paying attention.

I have a 4 year old daughter, a very emotional 4 year old daughter.  Husband and I?  We're at our wits end parenting her.  We've been digging and planting and trying to help her grow.  She screams and lies and doesn't listen.  We yell and punish and take things away and distract ourselves with our phones.

And nothing changes.

I need to pay attention.  I need to focus on what motivates her, what she loves, what she hates, who she is.  Focus on who God made her to be. And then help her get there.  Not just because I want a well behaved child but because I've been charged with nurturing and growing a child of our King.

Will you pray it with me?  God, show me my tomatoes. Show me where you are and what I'm missing.  Help me to recognize each and every opportunity you have for me and help me to look up and outside of my box.

Think about it.

The difference it would make in our lives, if we would all start noticing just how rogue God can be.

Read More

When all that's next are the wars within

I guess it's time.  I was only in Argentina for a week.  But it's taken a month and a half and two vacations for me to readjust.

 Our trip was great. Had an awesome team of people loving on an awesome organization whose soul purpose in life is to love those who matter most.  But I only got one week.  I wasn't ready to come home.

But I did. And I stumbled back into routine, more like flailing around looking for something or someone to steady me.

My cousin, who also has a heart for international missions, said to me, "I can't wait to see what you take with you, what you leave there and what you bring back."

I took an unbridled, burning passion with me.  Children are my calling. I've dreamed of rocking orphan babies and running wild with kids on the street.  I boarded the plane with that dream in my pocket.  I knew they needed me.

I left that dream and my pride on the doorstep of the orphanage. They don't need me.  Don't read this wrong, they are honored and thrilled when we visit.  But they don't need me.  These children, they've already been adopted.

Adopted into the kingdom, by a Father who never fails.

They are loved and cared for by a staff that puts any ministry I've ever been in to shame. And I've been involved with some incredible ministries.  These women are selfless saints. They are with the children 24/7.  They work tirelessly to feed the kids 3 filling meals a day.  They clean and change diapers and kiss boo boos of 26 children and somehow manage to laugh and praise our heavenly Father through it all. They have an unfailing dependency on God that has been all but lost in American culture.  I've never felt the presence of God in a place, not even in church, like I felt within the doors of Puerta Del Cielo.  Fitting that their name translates "Gate of Heaven."  I left my heart within those gates.

I brought back, initially, a lot of confusion.  I could have stayed, I wanted to stay.  But I wasn't called to that. So I came home asking "What next?"

I researched children's homes close by that would allow me to volunteer.  I contacted my local church to pursue other partnerships for the orphanage. And everywhere I looked, everywhere I turned, I never felt God.

Did he call me on this missions trip just to bring me home to my unchanged routine?  Is everything supposed to go back to being the same?

This is a question I hadn't been able to answer, until a few weeks ago.

We've been in a series at church called #Trending and it's all about what is trending in our lives.  This particular sermon was called Self Control vs. Self Indulgence.  And the pastor said

"God would rather you win the wars within yourself than any wars for the kingdom."

Really?  I can't sit still.  I want to go, I want to do, I want to help.

Everyone but myself.

Where is God in my daily routine?  Where is God in my home?

What battles do I need to face and win in my personal life?

It's interesting isn't it?  We are all called to love, serve, give ourselves away.  But what if what you have to give isn't ready to be given?

It's different for everyone.  And this is where you have to take it before God, yourself, and ask if he's called you to pour yourself out in this season. Or if this is a time where you need to look inward and focus upward.

God called me to Argentina, I have no doubt.  His hand was on that trip and is on the orphanage.  But as for what's next...

I have some wars within myself I need to fight.

I need to start paying attention to the people around me.  Not the strangers I see in the store or the guy who delivers my mail, I need to pay attention to those who are in my closest circles.  This is a true battlefield for me.  I'm selfish and self centered and mostly self indulging.  I am asking God to open my eyes to the needs of my husband, my daughter, my family and my friends.  Help me God to honor you by paying attention to them.

And this paying attention, it starts with slowing down.  I honestly don't think I know how to do that.  Husband R begs me not to pack our weekends.  Yet I can't tell you the last time we weren't traveling or the last time we just sat around on a Saturday.  I need to figure out how to not be bored in my own home. How to relish the time spent not doing anything.  I'm asking God to show me how to be still.

Then there's my heart.  Matthew 15:18 "But the words you speak come from the heart--that's what defiles you."  Some of the things I say...man, they make my heart look like one ugly gal.  This isn't an optional battle for me to win. It's an absolute must. I'm focusing on getting God's word in every day. Even if it's just snippets I can grab in between all the mess cleaning and nose wiping.  I need my words to bring life, not death. I'm asking God to breathe life into me so I can breathe life into others.

There are many many more, but for now, in this season, these are my mission fields.  My war zones. I will win the battles within, so that when He calls again, and He will,  I will be ready and prepared to fight for His Kingdom.

What are some of the battles you're facing?  Do you have trouble staying focused on the wars within?

Your comment makes my day!

Read More

I interrupt this blog to turn 30

I don't even know where to begin.  All those cliches about not having the right words and not enough words or any words at all.  That just happened.

What do you do when all of your PEOPLE are your people at the same time in the same place?

Cry when your sister who lives hundreds of miles away steps through your front door.

Scream when friends you haven't seen in a year or more walk into your living room.

Laugh when balloons and decorations are recycled from previous parties.

Dance like no one is watching or like everyone is.

And then this.

A book full of letters from family and friends from those who matter most.

When did I become so blessed?

How does a heart take all of this in and not explode?  A mind wrap itself around the thoughts and words and love pouring from each page?

Dad

 You fill my soul to overflowing.  Overwhelming.

Dylan

Kristen

Brittany Gardner

Thank you for being my friend, for encouraging and inspiring and teaching me.  I pray I never take for granted the gifts God has given me in each and every one of you.

Jess

From the bottom of my heart to the tips of my toes and everything in between, thank you for what you are, what you've allowed me to become, and what we will always be.

Read More

A little tiny update and a gigantically huge thank you

I leave for Argentina in 1 week and 2 days.   

Ready for this? 

You've given $3,010.  You've donated 50+lbs of supplies that I'll be packing very tightly into my second bag.

I don't know why I'm surprised.  You are amazing people.  God is even more awesome.  But I am in awe.

With the extra money you've donated, we get to build a new closet for the kids and do some much needed backyard patio work.  We get to buy new sheets and bedding for the kids.  We get to do an hour craft and bible story every day we're there.  We get to take the kids and staff out to lunch and to a movie.  Not one cent of the gifts you've given will go unused. 

I am grateful.

And people keep asking me if I'm excited. And that doesn't really describe what I am.  Yes, I'm a little excited and nervous but more than that I have a feeling of anticipation.  I'm ready to experience the ways God will continue to show himself. 

So, as I'm packing my bags (carefully) and preparing my heart, please remember to pray.  Specifically for travel and safety, but mostly for God to work through us in unimaginable ways.

I will be using http://argentina-mission.blogspot.com/ to write about the trip and to keep everyone updated.

Thank you for your obedience to God's prompting and for your generosity.

Read More