It All Makes Sense

I didn't plan on writing again today.  Writing takes a lot out of my brain and truthfully I don't have that much brain to spare.  But you have overwhelmed me with your emails and response to yesterday's post and thank you for that. But, I don't think it's fair for you to have to wait for the rest.  Just please bear with me, as my mind is still spinning and this might be a really long post. I'm still trying to sort through what's up and down, mostly what's up though.

My dad called me in September, just a few days of finding out these stupid cells had metastasized  Fancy way of saying cancer has taken a boat ride in a river of whatever to my lymph nodes.  What is a lymph node anyway?

But Dad, he read me a story like good daddy's do.

2 Samuel 23:9-10 "He stood his ground and struck down the Philistines until his hand grew tired and froze to the sword.  The Lord brought about a great victory that day."

The he in this verse is Eleazar, one of king David's mightiest warriors.  And he stood his ground.  He fought until his hand froze to the sword.  And then the Lord brought about a great victory.  Eleazar didn't just pray and sit back and say God's got this. I'll wait in my tent while He works it out.  Eleazar fought.  And fought.  And fought.  Ally, my dad says, you have to fight.  Work like it depends on you and pray like it depends on God.  God will bring you a victory.

I went to work.  I got copies of my pathology reports.  I highlighted and poured through them word by word. Phrase by phrase.  None of it made sense.  So I researched and googled and made phone calls.  Still it confused me.  I prayed for wisdom and knowledge to understand.  I became obsessed. And God revealed to me.  The pathologists and doctors don't know for sure this is melanoma.  Which is why my surgeon (Dr. Italian we'll call her) was taking my case to the tumor board.  Because she didn't know.  I tried to get in touch with Dr. Italian.  I needed more answers than this.  I left messages and dug up email addresses and bothered everyone in the office. They know me by name. I needed to get in touch with her. She finally called me back.  The board has decided because you're over 25 years old to treat this as stage 3 melanoma.  We historically see atypical cells in those 25 and under and melanoma in those older. You're older.

I heard myself say NO.  Without even realizing my mouth had opened.

Have you ever said no to a surgical oncologist?  We put doctors on this pedestal like they know everything, but they don't know.  Dr. Italian is an excellent surgeon, she does her job well.  But she's human.  And though I'm human too, I have a God on my side who isn't and He said clearly to me, no, this is not the path I have planned for you.

Nervously I told Dr. Italian I was not going to have more surgery or go through any kind of chemotherapy without being ABSOLUTELY ONE HUNDRED PERCENT positive that I have melanoma.  What do we need to do to figure that out?

Well, there's a genetic analysis lab at the University of California San Francisco.  It's the only one in the country.  They are on the leading edge of being able to find the oncogenes responsible for melanoma.

Then that's what I want.  I want them to rule on what's going on.  I need to have all the information I can possibly have to make the best decision I can make.  Dr. Italian agreed to send my info across the country.  Only it takes 3-4 weeks to get any results.  This was the last week in September.  I wouldn't know until the end of October at the earliest what is lurking inside me.  What do I do in the mean time?

I'm going to fight.  And wait. And fight while waiting.  And wait while fighting.

I asked Dr. Italian to order me a full body scan, to see if these stupid cells had taken up residence in any of my major organs. You prayed for me again.  I had a friend tell me she was praying on her knees for me while her husband asked what in the heck she was doing on the floor.  My mom begged God.  Literally begged.  Another friend, in Jesus' name, declared healing over my life. My aunt started a family bible study focused on scripture about healing.  I read emails everyday and wrote down bible verses.  I read these verses and my very life depended on them.  I poured out tears while you poured out your heart.

Guess what?

My pet scan was clear. No evidence of cancer anywhere else. That was a good day.  A very good day.

But that wasn't enough.  God wasn't even close to being done.  God always has more than you're ready for.

I remembered this friend I used to have.  She is holistic and into alternative healing and honestly, I thought she was off her rocker.  Until I got sick. And now I needed her.  And when I called her, she didn't laugh, she didn't say I told you so.  When she had every right to.  She gave me information and doctor's numbers and told me what to buy and what to eat.  It didn't sound so crazy anymore.

I began my journey into natural medicine.  God designed our bodies to heal themselves.  Our bodies are capable of fixing what's wrong and defending us against intruders.  We just have to get out of the way.   And you know what?  Had the cells not spread to my lymph node I would have never even called my friend.  If my surgery had removed the tumor and Dr. Italian had told me I was in the clear, I would have recovered and resumed life as normal.  Sounds good.  But it wouldn't have been good enough. God knew I needed a wake up call.  My little family was headed down a dangerous path.  God rescued us.  And I'm more thankful than my words can even say.  Thank you for allowing those little cells to hitch that ride.

I now have loads and tons of information about how to prevent cancer.  I will write to you about that another time.  But I want you to know, sugar fuels cancer.  Sugar.  No matter what kind, whether it's obvious like in candy, or hidden in bread or floating in your peppermint mocha.  Cancer opens its mouth, swallows the sugar and grows and travels.

Now in the beginning it was no good terrible awful.  I cut out coffee and diet soda and any grains and all sugar.  My body hated me.  HATED me.  It's called detox.  I was tired and sick and mean, very mean.  I cried into my salads.  I despise salads.  Especially when I can't drown them in buttermilk ranch.  I remember making this so called cancer fighting salad.  Kale and spinach and bean sprouts.  Broccoli and carrots. All tossed in olive oil and vinegar.  I literally cussed at it.   That's it, I'm crazy.  I'm cursing at leaves. I was so lost. And awful to live with. And tired.  Of trying and tired of fighting.

2 Samuel 23:9-10.  Fight until the sword freezes to your hand.  My salad fork was my sword. As silly as it sounds. I had to let it freeze to my hand, so I wouldn't out of weariness throw it in the garbage.

I purged our pantry and filled our fridge organically. I met with Maximized Living doctors. Found a chiropractor. Started taking supplements.  Insurance would cover surgery and chemo.  They won't cover alternative therapies.  Plus the grocery bill of this once proud couponer doubled.  We went from spending $300/month to $600/month.

And I began to read a book.

My dear friend who prayed healing into my life mailed me a book called The Circle Maker by Mark Batterson.  It's about circling your dreams and fears with prayer.  I spent an entire day circling God's promises.  And the Holy Spirit gave me Jeremiah 30:17

"But I will restore your health and heal your wounds declares the Lord..."

I asked Husband R to circle it with me. And I circled and we circled. Til we were dizzy. We are still circling that scripture.

I learned how to pray through but also how to praise through.  I asked God to restore my health but I also thanked Him for healing me.  It takes more faith to praise God for future promises than it does to ask him for what you want.  And don't read this wrong.  God is not a genie in a bottle.  You don't get to use Him to get what you want.  You use biblical teaching to surrender and get what God wants.  And He wants the best for you.

I wasn't even asking God for financial provision. I wanted so desperately just to be healed.  But we didn't stop tithing. And God didn't stop loving.

In the weeks that passed God worked and blessed and stunned us. He spoke. And acted. 

Satan said fresh food is too expensive.

"But here's an absolutely free organic garden. I want to feed you."

Satan said cut out every single extra expense, especially tithing.

"Keep giving me your first fruits. Here's a full ballet scholarship and a month of free preschool for your daughter.  I love her too you know."

Satan said you'll never have enough money to afford the things you need.

"My grace is sufficient. Here's a free juicer.  I want to bless you."

 Satan said if insurance doesn't cover it you can't do it.

"But here's absolutely free chiropractic care.  I want to heal you."

These things actually happened. In real life. God's presence was that obvious.  And I know it's not usually this way.  But He is my Creator.  He knows I'm not so observant. If He hadn't been that in my face I would have missed Him.  He wanted to be found. He's teaching me to find Him.

There's that saying that God puts people through hard things to strengthen your faith.  That made me mad. I had a strong faith.  I was walking with God. I know you can always grow in God but I didn't need cancer to do that. I was growing already.

And then I heard it.


I know that you know Me. But I don't know that you know what I have done and what I can do.


Satan said you'll always have cancer. You're going to die from this.

And just as easy as the word melanoma rolled off the tongue of that first doctor, this past Friday the words "I have fabulous news" burst forth from Dr. Italian.  The genetic analysis can say with close to a 100% certainty that your original biopsy was not melanoma.  You have an atypical nevus. But I'm too old remember? Well we're certain this isn't melanoma. 

"I have greater plans for you. Your cancer never was. I want you to live. For Me."

And this went off in my head. "Oh praise the ONE who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead." (Listen here)

And I got it. Really got it. For the first time in my entire life. I told Dr. Italian thank you and fell, shaking, onto my face.

You see, I believe Jesus died for me.  I know He gave his life for me. But it's always been hard for me to fully wrap my mind around.  It had felt so far away and happened so long ago.

The punishment for sin is death.  I'm a sinner. I deserve to die. From cancer. But He paid my debt. He literally raised my life up from the dead.

Do you understand??  Do you get it??

In August I was dying a death I deserved. 

In November, "He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God." Psalm 40:2-3


And I'm not special. I'm not any different than you. God wants to love us all this obviously.  Jesus died for the starving baby in Africa and the millionaire in New York city and everyone in between.  We're all redeemed.  

It took having cancer and being saved from that cancer for that to resonate deep within my soul.

Don't come to God when you're fixed and shiny and new.  Come to God now, with your hurt and sickness and pain and mess.  "There's power in the name of Jesus to break EVERY chain."

Even yours.  Believe in His name.  Let him break every chain.

And never go back.

I know I won't.