When all that's next are the wars within

I guess it's time.  I was only in Argentina for a week.  But it's taken a month and a half and two vacations for me to readjust.

 Our trip was great. Had an awesome team of people loving on an awesome organization whose soul purpose in life is to love those who matter most.  But I only got one week.  I wasn't ready to come home.

But I did. And I stumbled back into routine, more like flailing around looking for something or someone to steady me.

My cousin, who also has a heart for international missions, said to me, "I can't wait to see what you take with you, what you leave there and what you bring back."

I took an unbridled, burning passion with me.  Children are my calling. I've dreamed of rocking orphan babies and running wild with kids on the street.  I boarded the plane with that dream in my pocket.  I knew they needed me.

I left that dream and my pride on the doorstep of the orphanage. They don't need me.  Don't read this wrong, they are honored and thrilled when we visit.  But they don't need me.  These children, they've already been adopted.

Adopted into the kingdom, by a Father who never fails.

They are loved and cared for by a staff that puts any ministry I've ever been in to shame. And I've been involved with some incredible ministries.  These women are selfless saints. They are with the children 24/7.  They work tirelessly to feed the kids 3 filling meals a day.  They clean and change diapers and kiss boo boos of 26 children and somehow manage to laugh and praise our heavenly Father through it all. They have an unfailing dependency on God that has been all but lost in American culture.  I've never felt the presence of God in a place, not even in church, like I felt within the doors of Puerta Del Cielo.  Fitting that their name translates "Gate of Heaven."  I left my heart within those gates.

I brought back, initially, a lot of confusion.  I could have stayed, I wanted to stay.  But I wasn't called to that. So I came home asking "What next?"

I researched children's homes close by that would allow me to volunteer.  I contacted my local church to pursue other partnerships for the orphanage. And everywhere I looked, everywhere I turned, I never felt God.

Did he call me on this missions trip just to bring me home to my unchanged routine?  Is everything supposed to go back to being the same?

This is a question I hadn't been able to answer, until a few weeks ago.

We've been in a series at church called #Trending and it's all about what is trending in our lives.  This particular sermon was called Self Control vs. Self Indulgence.  And the pastor said

"God would rather you win the wars within yourself than any wars for the kingdom."

Really?  I can't sit still.  I want to go, I want to do, I want to help.

Everyone but myself.

Where is God in my daily routine?  Where is God in my home?

What battles do I need to face and win in my personal life?

It's interesting isn't it?  We are all called to love, serve, give ourselves away.  But what if what you have to give isn't ready to be given?

It's different for everyone.  And this is where you have to take it before God, yourself, and ask if he's called you to pour yourself out in this season. Or if this is a time where you need to look inward and focus upward.

God called me to Argentina, I have no doubt.  His hand was on that trip and is on the orphanage.  But as for what's next...

I have some wars within myself I need to fight.

I need to start paying attention to the people around me.  Not the strangers I see in the store or the guy who delivers my mail, I need to pay attention to those who are in my closest circles.  This is a true battlefield for me.  I'm selfish and self centered and mostly self indulging.  I am asking God to open my eyes to the needs of my husband, my daughter, my family and my friends.  Help me God to honor you by paying attention to them.

And this paying attention, it starts with slowing down.  I honestly don't think I know how to do that.  Husband R begs me not to pack our weekends.  Yet I can't tell you the last time we weren't traveling or the last time we just sat around on a Saturday.  I need to figure out how to not be bored in my own home. How to relish the time spent not doing anything.  I'm asking God to show me how to be still.

Then there's my heart.  Matthew 15:18 "But the words you speak come from the heart--that's what defiles you."  Some of the things I say...man, they make my heart look like one ugly gal.  This isn't an optional battle for me to win. It's an absolute must. I'm focusing on getting God's word in every day. Even if it's just snippets I can grab in between all the mess cleaning and nose wiping.  I need my words to bring life, not death. I'm asking God to breathe life into me so I can breathe life into others.

There are many many more, but for now, in this season, these are my mission fields.  My war zones. I will win the battles within, so that when He calls again, and He will,  I will be ready and prepared to fight for His Kingdom.

What are some of the battles you're facing?  Do you have trouble staying focused on the wars within?

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