You can probably tell by now that I am not a writer.  I've only ever taken those easy writing classes in high school.  Okay so I did take one poetry class in college and I barely passed.  Apparently all poetry is not supposed to rhyme.  Now you know.

I come here and write when something I read or hear or experience sticks with me.  Something I think will benefit another person, something God puts on my heart to get out there, so, I pray, he can use to his glory.   But because I'm not a writer I'm not always motivated to come here and blog.  I'll roll ideas around in my head for weeks with full intention of coming here and spitting it out.  Then wine, the couch, reality t.v., stuff happens and the last thing I want to do is stare at my computer.  I even started this post, had to run up stairs 3 times during the course of starting it to soothe an unwilling to go to bed Toddling A, gave up on the post for the night and then decided to try again.  Stuff happens.

All this to say that I apologize for the lengths between my posts.  I promise you that most everything I feel God telling me to write winds up on this blog.  I just may not do it in a timely fashion.  But I do it.  And you read it.  So THANK YOU!

Kay.

Ever feel like a failure?  Or maybe not a complete failure, but just not quite living up to expectations or standards?  Yea, me too. I think most things we do, unless we're experts at them, make us feel somewhat inadequate.  We could make a really long list together.  But then we'd all probably feel more like failures because our list isn't long enough.  It's why we have the term "epic fail" and a website devoted to such fails.

 
Motherhood, for starters, can quickly make you feel like a pencil in crayon packaging. Just wrong. And confused. At least there's 12 of them.  It could have been worse. 

I was in the mall a few days ago, at the soft play area.  The one with 65 snotty nosed kids sneezing all over each other.  Toddling A was one of them.  And as she was sitting on the gigantic cat wiping snot bubbles from her face, another toddling person approached her and became quite upset that he too could not ride the cat.  Toddling A wasn't moving and her toddling friend wasn't giving in.  Mama bear quickly approached and began apologizing for her son's behavior, explaining how she keeps telling him to be nice and not to harass other children. I of course shot back that Avery does the same thing and we've been working on that too and yada yada yada we're both trying not to look like bad moms because of our children's actions please see that we're trying not to fail at this and screw our children up forever.   If you've ever been in an indoor play place oozing with stay at home moms you know what I mean.  All these women trying to prove to someone, to no one, that we're not failing.  That we have it together.  That our children are polite and kind.

Then I read this:

"For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, ³⁶ I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me (Matthew 25:35-36.) Who get's hungrier than a newly awakened baby? Who is more naked than a recently born child? Who is more a stranger than an infant who comes into this world knowing no one? Who gets sick more often than a little one, who seems inclined toward ear infections diaper rash, and colic?"  - Sacred Parenting, Gary Thomas

Then in Matthew 25:40 "I tell you the truth whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me."

Mothers, you are "doing exactly what Jesus tells us will be most rewarded in heaven." - Thomas

So I'm doing those things for Toddling A.  I'm trying really hard to be a good mom. I know mall mama was too. 

30 second dance party. Go.

 

Wasn't that fun?  Welcome back.  

Really, time is up.  Stop dancing.  Finish reading.

Because, there's this other thing I'm trying really hard to be good at.  And feeling like I'm not.

My relationship with God.  This is the area where, when stuff happens and that relationship gets pushed aside and I go too long without spending time with him, writing an apology full of excuses and publishing it on my blog doesn't get me slap happy back to square one.  Just like any relationship, time spent together is the only thing that will make it grow.  So to grow a relationship with God I can't push it aside, think about doing it and finally getting around to it.  I have to be intentional. And I try.

Throughout the Bible we're told to seek.

Psalm 105:4
Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always.

Psalm 119:2
Blessed are they who keep his statutes and seek him with all their heart.

Luke 11:9
So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.

So when I looked up what it means to seek something, the dictionary says 

a : to go in search of : look for

b : to try to discover 

 

Bingo. Bongo.

 

I am searching. And I am trying.  Just like I'm trying to be good at mothering.  My heart is in it. To win it. And you know something.  God knows that.  Which is why he promises to reward those who care for the least of these.   Because he knows it's not easy.  And although God did not design having a relationship with him to be hard, he does know that because we're human and we have our "stuff," building a relationship with him takes work.  

 

I recently had my soul filled with this breath of fresh air. It's from a devotional book titled Jesus Calling.

"Don't let feelings of failure weigh you down. Instead, try to see yourself as I see you. First of all, I am delighted by your deep desire to walk closely with Me through your life. I am pleased each time you initiate communication with me. In addition, I notice the progress you have made since you first resolved to live in My Presence... Each time you plow your way through the massive distractions to communicate with Me, you achieve a victory."

God knows about our stuff and our trying to plow through our stuff and he loves us anyway.   

Wanna dance with me again?

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