I didn't used to be this way. At least not this bad. A wishy washy person. A difficult decision un-maker. But then I was diagnosed.
Death got real.
And the ability to take a stance has all but vanished. And even though my diagnosis is gone too, a trail of fears has been left behind. Real fears I didn't have before. And all of these fears? They make me second guess if I'm ever doing the right thing.
I've been juggling a few different decisions lately, but all with the same uncertainty. I was thinking, as remnants of dinner lay crusted over on the stove and dirty laundry spilled from the hamper onto the bathroom floor, is it ironic that the name of my blog has actually come to fruition in my life? Do I still cherish all this uncertainty? When life got tough, did I remember that the one and only God allows uncertainty in our lives so we have to trust him? Or did I let fear and the unknown drive me away?
I leaned into God more than I ever have while I thought I had cancer. I praised His holy name when healing arrived. But in the aftermath, an explosion of "what if's" and guilt have been allowed to rule. I'm afraid of not knowing how much time I have left and afraid of ultimately making a decision where I can't control the outcome. I feel guilty if I slack off in an area I know I should have the motivation to succeed.
Most recently I've been struggling with my diet and exercise and with what to do with my baby girl come time for Pre-K...in the fall. Gah.
I'm addicted to coffee, and I feel guilty when I drink it. I think what if my cancer comes back and I know I could have been eating better, cleaner? Will I regret my choice to drink coffee even though I knew it was unhealthy? Or that chocolate bar or that whole grain chip or that bowl of cereal?
What if I homeschool preschooling A and then have another baby and officially lose my mind? And preschooling A heads to kindergarten knowing less than she knows now?
What if I don't live an alkaline lifestyle and cancer is actually what kills me?
What if I put preschooling A in a Pre K program and then feel guilty for not keeping her at home?
During a particular nap time last week, as I'm trying to figure this all out, and things around me seem to be falling apart and I had given in and gone to that coffee place that starts with star and ends with bucks (I blame the drive thru) and ordered something with over 300 calories in it and then proceeded to come home and dump an entire box of uncooked macaroni noodles on the floor (thank goodness for dogs, I hope you don't choke), I stopped in my tracks, sat down and called Mom.
Mom is, and she will admit, a little crazy. Who's mom isn't? But Mom is also full of wisdom that I desperately need.
After crying and yelling and unloading my fears, she says,
"You have to drive a stake."
And she tells me a story about how every morning her husband puts 10 tootsie rolls in a plastic bag for her and she knows that once those 10 are gone that day, she can't have anymore. But, she can eat those 10 without feeling guilty. See...a little crazy. But her point hit home.
You have to make a decision, set a boundary, and don't look back.
Drive a stake.
People do this all the time. There's a blog I've recently read about a mama who has decided her family won't eat any more processed food. Decision made, no regrets. Or the stay at home mom who decides not to go back to work. Stake driven, no looking back.
In my own life, we don't do high fructose corn syrup of any kind in any thing. We sit around the dinner table as a family, every night. We pray together every day. Husband R and I always kiss goodbye. We read our Bible. We allow ourselves to drink wine, on the weekends and some Mondays. These are stakes we've driven, without even realizing it.
And the ultimate stake, don't miss this, was driven when Jesus was nailed to the cross. When God gave us His son and forgave us. One would think that would be a big regret, seeing how often we sin against Him. But it's not. He loves us so much He allowed that stake to be driven, into his own flesh. To take the punishment we deserve, all with no regrets.
I'm doing better with this. I'm driving more stakes. Making more decisions. Preschooling A will be staying home with me. I'll be her teacher, new baby or not. Should we call her homeschooling A now?
Star to the bucks is only allowed on Saturdays. And one cup of homemade coffee per day. That's it.
Grains and dairy are allowed in my diet again as long as they are organic and in moderation.
Exercise...eh..I think I lost that stake along with all of Husband R's phone chargers and my keys.
And sure, these boundaries will move and change as life does, but as long as I can say to myself, this decision has been made, your limit has been set, then hopefully there won't be the guilt and regrets.
So what stakes have you driven? Which ones would you like to? I'd love to hear about what you're facing too!
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Death got real.
And the ability to take a stance has all but vanished. And even though my diagnosis is gone too, a trail of fears has been left behind. Real fears I didn't have before. And all of these fears? They make me second guess if I'm ever doing the right thing.
I've been juggling a few different decisions lately, but all with the same uncertainty. I was thinking, as remnants of dinner lay crusted over on the stove and dirty laundry spilled from the hamper onto the bathroom floor, is it ironic that the name of my blog has actually come to fruition in my life? Do I still cherish all this uncertainty? When life got tough, did I remember that the one and only God allows uncertainty in our lives so we have to trust him? Or did I let fear and the unknown drive me away?
I leaned into God more than I ever have while I thought I had cancer. I praised His holy name when healing arrived. But in the aftermath, an explosion of "what if's" and guilt have been allowed to rule. I'm afraid of not knowing how much time I have left and afraid of ultimately making a decision where I can't control the outcome. I feel guilty if I slack off in an area I know I should have the motivation to succeed.
Most recently I've been struggling with my diet and exercise and with what to do with my baby girl come time for Pre-K...in the fall. Gah.
I'm addicted to coffee, and I feel guilty when I drink it. I think what if my cancer comes back and I know I could have been eating better, cleaner? Will I regret my choice to drink coffee even though I knew it was unhealthy? Or that chocolate bar or that whole grain chip or that bowl of cereal?
What if I homeschool preschooling A and then have another baby and officially lose my mind? And preschooling A heads to kindergarten knowing less than she knows now?
What if I don't live an alkaline lifestyle and cancer is actually what kills me?
What if I put preschooling A in a Pre K program and then feel guilty for not keeping her at home?
During a particular nap time last week, as I'm trying to figure this all out, and things around me seem to be falling apart and I had given in and gone to that coffee place that starts with star and ends with bucks (I blame the drive thru) and ordered something with over 300 calories in it and then proceeded to come home and dump an entire box of uncooked macaroni noodles on the floor (thank goodness for dogs, I hope you don't choke), I stopped in my tracks, sat down and called Mom.
Mom is, and she will admit, a little crazy. Who's mom isn't? But Mom is also full of wisdom that I desperately need.
After crying and yelling and unloading my fears, she says,
"You have to drive a stake."
And she tells me a story about how every morning her husband puts 10 tootsie rolls in a plastic bag for her and she knows that once those 10 are gone that day, she can't have anymore. But, she can eat those 10 without feeling guilty. See...a little crazy. But her point hit home.
You have to make a decision, set a boundary, and don't look back.
Drive a stake.
People do this all the time. There's a blog I've recently read about a mama who has decided her family won't eat any more processed food. Decision made, no regrets. Or the stay at home mom who decides not to go back to work. Stake driven, no looking back.
In my own life, we don't do high fructose corn syrup of any kind in any thing. We sit around the dinner table as a family, every night. We pray together every day. Husband R and I always kiss goodbye. We read our Bible. We allow ourselves to drink wine, on the weekends and some Mondays. These are stakes we've driven, without even realizing it.
And the ultimate stake, don't miss this, was driven when Jesus was nailed to the cross. When God gave us His son and forgave us. One would think that would be a big regret, seeing how often we sin against Him. But it's not. He loves us so much He allowed that stake to be driven, into his own flesh. To take the punishment we deserve, all with no regrets.
I'm doing better with this. I'm driving more stakes. Making more decisions. Preschooling A will be staying home with me. I'll be her teacher, new baby or not. Should we call her homeschooling A now?
Star to the bucks is only allowed on Saturdays. And one cup of homemade coffee per day. That's it.
Grains and dairy are allowed in my diet again as long as they are organic and in moderation.
Exercise...eh..I think I lost that stake along with all of Husband R's phone chargers and my keys.
And sure, these boundaries will move and change as life does, but as long as I can say to myself, this decision has been made, your limit has been set, then hopefully there won't be the guilt and regrets.
So what stakes have you driven? Which ones would you like to? I'd love to hear about what you're facing too!
