Dear God,

This morning I need you, like Toddling A needs Mickey Mouse, but in a more therapeutic fashion.

I'm searching.   And if you're asking "what are you searching for?" then join the club.

I don't know.

In the past two years my relationship with You has strengthened like a body builder on 'roids.  It's awesome.  I have a LONG way to go I know, but I'm miles past where I used to be. I don't really have an accurate count for You, but I've read handfuls of life giving, spirit growing books along with reading chronologically through the Bible. Parenting in itself has grown my faith leaps and gi-freaking-normous bounds because You know only Your grace gets me through that daily battle. 

Kay.

Even with all that, my wheels are spinning.  I'm stuck. Or, I feel stuck.

Here's where I'm (yes I'm ending this with a preposition) at:

• Raising and staying at home with a 2 going on 16 yr old
• Nannying a 2.5 and 4 yr old 
• Implementing a curriculum with said children (it's awesome, www.abcjesuslovesme.com)
• Leading a mom's with young children small group
• Participating in another young womens small group
• Leading the preschool team at one of our church's multi-sites
• Captaining a softball team
• Visiting grandparents every Wednesday night
• Taking an almost year long family mentoring class with the hubs
• Attending boot camp 3 days a week at 5:30 AM (aaahhhh, it hurts)
• Babysitting many Friday and Saturday nights

I tell You all this not for a pat on the back or for applause, not to tell You how much I'm doing but to show You how much I'm not doing.  Hence the feeling of stickyness.

I have this overwhelming, all-consuming desire to be used for Your purposes.  Not for You to just use me, but USE me.  I want to be Your hands, Your feet.  And I came to the realization yesterday, that I've crammed my schedule in an effort to achieve that.  But am I?

Motherhood is a ministry. I know.

Preschool team leaderhood is a ministry. I'm aware.

Captainhood of a softball team is...well...fun.

My dilemma is, I know these things are good and I attempt with all my heart to make them honor You but let's get real.  I'm not holding orphaned babies in Africa, starting a non-profit to rescue sex slaves or even serving the impoverished of the city I live in.  When our church encourages us to invite our unchurched friends for a particular series, I have no one to invite.  All my local friends are already Your followers or even attend the same church.  That seems good, but it isn't.

Your son didn't recruit his 12 disciples and then hang out with only them. Thank you for that.

I am praying, more like crying out, for You to present opportunities that allow me to further Your kingdom.

So, here's my question for you. Ready or not. But You're ready, I know, You're always ready.  Thank you for that too.

Do I already have those opportunities to further Your kingdom right in front of my nose?  Should I quit searching for more?

Or

Do I pack up my bags and my responsibilities and go looking to make a difference on a larger scale?

Okay so that was 3 questions.

But that's it.

Same time tomorrow?

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One crafty, shady dude

A question was recently brought up in a small group I attend, and it's had me reeling and searching for answers ever since.   A fellow groupie asked

"Can Satan hear our thoughts?"

Instinctively my answer was a resounding OF COURSE!  We've all battled those negative, depressing, want to sleep til tomorrow thoughts.  That has to be Satan, right?

But then, the more I broke it down and the more I talked through it, the more I became to understand that he actually cannot.

Then how the h-e-double hockey sticks does he have such an evil impact on us individually and culturally?

As the infinitely wise DJ Lance Rock says, "Ah-break it down"  (if you get that reference you're allowed to keep reading, if not, well youtube yo gabba gabba then I'll let you come back) 

Think of the person who knows you best.

Picture their face.

Got it?

For me, it's my husband, R.  Husband R knows me inside and out.  So much so, that he can consistently tell you my next move.  Throw me in a particular situation and he could accurately predict how I'll respond.  Ask him what's the one thing you could do to drive me bonkers and he'll have you traipsing across my newly mopped floor with your "grassy I just mowed a wet lawn" shoes.  It's possible he knows that from experience.  My point is, he doesn't just know me, he knows me.  But can he hear my thoughts?  Nope.  Can he read my mind?  Golly gee, I hope not.

Now, plug Satan into that example.  But magnify his abilities by infinity and give him the ultimate goal of making you the worst most horrible furthest away from God person that you could possibly be.   And he has unlimited resources with which to do that.  And, on top of all that, he's your worst nightmare mixture of creepy and clever.

He watches you're every move.  He can predict how you'll respond.  He knows what drives you bonkers.  And he uses that.  He's so good at it that he actually appears to be reading your mind, but he's not.  He's just incredibly crafty.  And I don't mean in the scrap-booking, home decor kinda way.

Recently I experienced the most head on direct attack from Satan that I have ever experienced in my entire life.  It had to do with our finances and the fact that we tithe and I don't work full time.  I just kept having these little thoughts creep into my head, "Stop tithing, think what you could do with that money.  Put Avery in daycare and go to work, she'll be fine and you'll have a real paycheck."  Both of these things are against what I believe God has called me to do and I was really struggling.  And I kept thinking to myself, fight it, this is Satan, he's taking over your brain.

But now I know he can't do that.  So just where did these thoughts come from?

Well, earlier that week Satan broke my garage door, well really I backed into it but it's because I was busy (which is Satan's number one way of getting in between us and God) and not paying attention.  That cost $500.  If Satan is so clever and knows so well what will set me off, then he knows having to shell out an unexpected five hundred bucks will do it.   The first thing I did was call Rob and tell him how upset I was and how we didn't have the money to fix this.  I asked all my friends to pray over our financial situation. I called my sister and angrily complained vented.  Guess who was listening....

Yup, you got it.  That crazy, crafty, clever, shady dude.

I just put weapons of warfare in his arsenal.  Armed him to take me down.  With my words alone, I gave him the knowledge that attack me financially and he could stand a chance at separating me from God's will.   He didn't implant thoughts into my head.  He didn't take over my brain.   He just listened.  For information from my own mouth, which, coincidentally flows from our heart, which the Bible plainly tells us is deceitful, without the help of the devil. 

So what happened?

Other things that cost money began to fall apart.  The garbage disposal broke, I got sick and had to go to the doctor, the dish washer quit working properly, gas prices went up.  And I began to think those thoughts, that if I changed the way I was living, to align myself with what the "world" would want me to do, that I'd have more money.

Look, I don't really know if Satan was hiding in the bottom of my garbage disposal with a screwdriver jabbing small holes into the bottom of it causing it to leak, but I do think he has the power to effect things like that.  Which in turn effects my thoughts.

Matthew 15:18-19 says  "...but what comes out of the mouth gets its start in the heart. It’s from the heart that we vomit up evil arguments, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, lies, and cussing. That’s what pollutes."  - The Msg

Notice it doesn't say that Satan pollutes.  It says what's in our heart pollutes our mouths.  Which Satan hears and has the power to use against us.

Hears the really fancy equation I've worked out in my mind

bad things happen just because that's life + you complain and yell loudly about it = Satan hears you and has the power to make more bad things happen

See, wasn't that fancy?

The takeaway is that you have the power to keep Satan out of your life.  Through focusing your heart on things of God.  Do this and your mouth will reflect the things of God.  And instead of Satan being able to use your words to tempt and corrupt you, he'll be sent running away like the wicked witch of the west screaming "I'm melting, I'm melting."

At least that's how it plays out in my head.

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