Dear God,

This morning I need you, like Toddling A needs Mickey Mouse, but in a more therapeutic fashion.

I'm searching.   And if you're asking "what are you searching for?" then join the club.

I don't know.

In the past two years my relationship with You has strengthened like a body builder on 'roids.  It's awesome.  I have a LONG way to go I know, but I'm miles past where I used to be. I don't really have an accurate count for You, but I've read handfuls of life giving, spirit growing books along with reading chronologically through the Bible. Parenting in itself has grown my faith leaps and gi-freaking-normous bounds because You know only Your grace gets me through that daily battle. 

Kay.

Even with all that, my wheels are spinning.  I'm stuck. Or, I feel stuck.

Here's where I'm (yes I'm ending this with a preposition) at:

• Raising and staying at home with a 2 going on 16 yr old
• Nannying a 2.5 and 4 yr old 
• Implementing a curriculum with said children (it's awesome, www.abcjesuslovesme.com)
• Leading a mom's with young children small group
• Participating in another young womens small group
• Leading the preschool team at one of our church's multi-sites
• Captaining a softball team
• Visiting grandparents every Wednesday night
• Taking an almost year long family mentoring class with the hubs
• Attending boot camp 3 days a week at 5:30 AM (aaahhhh, it hurts)
• Babysitting many Friday and Saturday nights

I tell You all this not for a pat on the back or for applause, not to tell You how much I'm doing but to show You how much I'm not doing.  Hence the feeling of stickyness.

I have this overwhelming, all-consuming desire to be used for Your purposes.  Not for You to just use me, but USE me.  I want to be Your hands, Your feet.  And I came to the realization yesterday, that I've crammed my schedule in an effort to achieve that.  But am I?

Motherhood is a ministry. I know.

Preschool team leaderhood is a ministry. I'm aware.

Captainhood of a softball team is...well...fun.

My dilemma is, I know these things are good and I attempt with all my heart to make them honor You but let's get real.  I'm not holding orphaned babies in Africa, starting a non-profit to rescue sex slaves or even serving the impoverished of the city I live in.  When our church encourages us to invite our unchurched friends for a particular series, I have no one to invite.  All my local friends are already Your followers or even attend the same church.  That seems good, but it isn't.

Your son didn't recruit his 12 disciples and then hang out with only them. Thank you for that.

I am praying, more like crying out, for You to present opportunities that allow me to further Your kingdom.

So, here's my question for you. Ready or not. But You're ready, I know, You're always ready.  Thank you for that too.

Do I already have those opportunities to further Your kingdom right in front of my nose?  Should I quit searching for more?

Or

Do I pack up my bags and my responsibilities and go looking to make a difference on a larger scale?

Okay so that was 3 questions.

But that's it.

Same time tomorrow?