Today, I just don't want to.

Ever had those days or weeks where things are just fuzzy, flat out pea soup fog?  One thing runs into another and your not sure how you even peeled open your eyelids this morning, which feel like 9 days ago?  Things are so off today I even took a pregnancy test, yes, even though I'm pretty sure that's impossible, but having ruled everything else out, it's the last standing explanation I could drum up to explain my odd sense of well of I don't know what.  And no, that's not the reason.  At least there's one thing I can be sure about.

I don't want to work. I don't want to parent. I don't want to cook. I don't want to budget. I don't want to pretend like I have a grip on things. I don't want to even really write this blog.  I just don't want to.

So what is it?  Really, I'm asking you.  This isn't rhetorical.

I've prayed. I've prayed a lot.

And then I read other blogs about horrible things that have happened to people and I think, "get over it, get over yourself."  But then I get mad.  Just because I haven't had life changing events take place doesn't mean I can't feel jumbled up. Bumbled up.  Whatever.

I resort to my inspirational pod-casts and read things that make me laugh.  I open my Bible (which I'm on a read the bible chronologically in a year plan) and of course today's reading happens to be in Exodus on laws about slaves and oxen and restitution.  While I know all of God's word is important, that didn't clear the haze, not one bit.

You know what, and I'm thinking out loud here, it's okay I feel like this.  God's grace is sufficient.  And I can feel "off" for a bit if I need to.  He understands. Today I just don't want to, tomorrow maybe I will.

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To preschool or not to preschool

Breakfast time, toddling A happily sitting in her high chair eating her yogurt, mom has to use the bathroom, mom walks into the bathroom (15 ft away) shuts the door.  Toddling A goes from happy to hysterical in less time than it takes for mom to unbutton her pants.  MOMMY!!!  MOMMY!!!  MOMMY!!!!  Alligator tears.

If you have or have ever had a child who suffers from separation anxiety (my self diagnosis), you've experienced that scene and others like it, many many times.

Where have I gone wrong?  Why is my child like this?  What am I supposed to do to make it better?

I've asked myself these questions over and over, and sought advice and expertise from mother after mother.

The one reoccurring proposed solution that keeps popping up, even from dear dad, is "put her in preschool, give yourself and her some time apart, she'll learn not to be so attached."

Sounds simple enough, right?

Wrong.  Not simple. Because then I start asking myself,

What if preschool makes it worse?  What if she learns bad behaviors from other children?  What's the point of me being a "stay at home mom" if my daughter is in preschool?

To preschool or not to preschool, that is my question.

And for now, I've found my answer.  Now let me tell you, I have nothing against preschool and nothing against mother's who put their children in preschool.  Each family and child are different and different things work for different people.  You do what is best for you.  I'll do what is best for me.  Like a strong woman of faith told me last night "Everyone else thinks they are the expert on your child."

So, I've decided, after much consideration, prayer and consulting women I trust,

Not to preschool (GASP)

And this is why:

1. Toddling A is not even 2, is it really a bad thing if she wants to be with mom all the time?
2. I can teach toddling A way more than any preschool teacher, honest I can. Just a few days ago we played outside in the rain and splashed in muddles and learned about rivers and where the water goes and who made the rain. 
3. She's going to spend 13+ years in a school setting, do I really need to add more, I mean that's such a long time.
4. Putting her in preschool just to "fix" her separation anxiety is not enough of a reason for me.

And here's the kicker, something I heard quoted by my pastor's wife last night, that she heard from Craig Groeschel (another pastor), and I'm paraphrasing.

"The world (culture/society) defines a successful adult as happy, well rounded and well educated.  But we (as christians) are called to unleash single minded, Christ centered, biblically anchored world changers."

Show me a preschool that can unleash that kind of adult in toddling A and we'll be enrolled tomorrow.

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Money, money money

Money. It's such a powerful thing. Money makes us happy.  Money makes us mad.  Money makes life easier.  Money makes life harder. Money secures us. Money scares us.

As a nanny, I'm often given money to do activities with the kids.  I would never pocket that money or use it towards my own personal gain.  No, it's not my money, I've been instructed to use it in a certain way. 

In the same way, the money in your bank account right now, it's not yours.  The money you have invested, it's not yours either.  The twenty dollar bill I have in my wallet, not mine.


It all belongs to God.

We are just stewards, of HIS money.

As children of God, we're given money and instructed to use it in a certain way.  And when we use it in the way God asks, it comes back to us, really. 

So what if there was something you could do to stop focusing on or worrying about money?  Would you do it?

Proverbs 3:9 Honor God with everything you own; give him the first and the best.

Luke 6:38  Give, and it will be given to you. A good amount will be poured into your lap. It will be pressed down, shaken together, and running over. The same amount you give will be measured out to you."

2 Corinthians 9:7 You should each give what you have decided in your heart to give. You shouldn't give if you don't want to. You shouldn't give because you are forced to. God loves a cheerful giver.


The answer?

GIVE and GIVE cheerfully.

Everyone will have different ways of giving, and different amount of giving.  I can't tell you how to give or tell you where to give.  That's between you and God.  But I can tell you about my experiences.

In 2008, our family decided to start giving and following God's principles in that way. We give 10% of all our income to our church.  We trust our church to use the money we give to glorify God. We believe in the work they are doing. So we give. And we like it.

But you want to know what's cool.

As much as we give, we can't out give God.

He ALWAYS gives it back to us, and more.

I have so many cool personal stories about how I didn't know where the next dollar for groceries was going to come from, or how that bill was going to get paid, or how I was going to put gas in my car and yet I've never ever gone without. I've never had a late bill, I've never gone hungry, I've never been stranded on the side of the road without gas. Literally I've had checks unexpectedly show up in the mail.  Just this week I got a dollar an hour raise and I've only been working here 1 month.

God always provides.  And I'm confident it's because we give back to him what's already his anyways.

God even tells us it's okay to test him with this, to see if its true.

Micah 3:10 says "Test me in this,” says the Lord Almighty, “and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it."

So you want to stop worrying about money?

Give. Even if you think you can't.  Give God back his money. 

And watch what he does.

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